I'm an idiot.

Sounds like you have a plumber willing to help, so fantastic on that side. I would maybe get a hob filter if this will tak a while to repair. Just a thought. Helps with air exchange.
Anyway. Personally, I would love to see the entire set up without the Frankenstein install along with the sump and return to give you the best ideas. Plug the return hole with a cap/plug and remove all plumbing. Start from scratch. Listen to the plumber and take some pics.
 
Don't feel like an idiot because this plumbing setup didn't turn out how you expected. My first time was an absolute mess and looked awful. I just did my 2nd and while it's better in some aspects, I still have a lot to improve on.

Aquarium keeping is a constant learning experience. I have no doubt you've learned a lot and your next setup will be a lot better. Don't be upset with yourself because you didn't get something right the first time.
 
I am about to plumb (hard plumbed to sump) my very first tank, and it’s 240g! I am excited and terrified.

You may feel frustrated with the situation, hopefully you can get it resolved. And by posting and sharing as much details as you can, you can help others on their journeys.

Take more pics! And keep us updated.
 
I would remove the old broken Frankenstein combo you got going on there, replace it with pvc with a union in the middle... Or just adapt bulk heads to barbed fittings so you can run flex line inbetween.... I'd help you but I don't live in the same state as you... Sorry... Mid Missouri here..
 
I am about to plumb (hard plumbed to sump) my very first tank, and it’s 240g! I am excited and terrified.

You may feel frustrated with the situation, hopefully you can get it resolved. And by posting and sharing as much details as you can, you can help others on their journeys.

Take more pics! And keep us updated.

Don't be terrified, plenty of us around to help you with anything that might come up! Plumbing can be fun when you take your time and use the right tools and materials for the Job :) And if you have any questions don't hesitate to ask
 

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