Spouse thinks reef lighting is tacky...

[Admann]

This thread made me feel so much better about my life. OP, I’m sorry. There aren’t any good solutions. Your wife is who she is, and you have a couple of options here. My own father chose to stick it out for the sake of us kids, and got a divorce after he finished putting us through college. He is MUCH happier with wife #2, who actually appreciates him and supports his passions. This was a really, really expensive option.

that’s option 1.

option 2, stop sacrificing your happiness for hers. This option is also expensive, and has it's own side effects. Your daughter will spend time at 2 different houses, and you will see less of her as she is growing up. But maybe this is for the best, and she will get to see her dad in a different and perhaps better light. Whichever option you choose, it’s going to suck. Just don’t choose option 1 and then wuss out in 5 years.

let’s face it..we all know this isn’t about the fish tank.

Magellan wrote what I wanted to say. I have been where you are twice before, just for different reasons. I repeat, are you the undesirable aesthetic or is the aquarium. I would bet if her circle of friends all decided reef aquariums were the newest thing she would want one. When your significant other doesn't want any part of your personality present in the home, unless it is buried in the basement, there is a problem. She is building a monument to herself.

 

[Bpb]

Lordy. After reading these responses I still find it cringey at the “marriage counseling” comments. People. She doesn’t like the way fish tanks look. It’s her home too. She’s allowed to have preferences.

The more I think about this the more I say go nuts with the basement setup. You’ll be able to do more with it

 

[Bruce Burnett]

Marriage is a share and discuss relationship. My wife's only demand was keep it clean. Unless you had 3- 400 watt mh and actinic fluorescent tubes you don't know what landing lights in your home look like. My wife loved that look she could give directions to our home and say when you see the bright glow that's our house. Work to put the tank in the most active room it will get the most attention from everyone including maintenance. Light schedules can be adjusted.

 

[MixedFruitBasket]

I am not saying any of that is the situation of the OP, I'm simply responding to the posts about "let her have her way."

A one way marriage never works out. You may stay together but only one side will never be happy and they will suffer, mentally, emotionally, their self-esteem will be battered.
I'm sorry but no cooperative like that results in a healthy relationship. None. And if you think just giving one side what they will *allow* you to have, then you have never experienced a healthy partnership. No matter the gender, control like that is abuse and it can be far more difficult to get out of than a physically abusive situation because you constantly second guess yourself, tell yourself you're over-reacting, convince yourself you can just do it their way. And sometimes on top of that the other person gaslights the victim. If you have kids and keep them in the same environment, you're teaching them it's okay for things to be that way.
And got news for you, the take never stops, and by the time you realize you've lost just about any say in your life about things that make you happy, you don't have anything left.

 

[Chukthunder]

Forget the lights. Any leak I've had with a tank in my basement has been easier to deal with than a wife, just saying.

 

[Signalhead]

Just get a divorce now and move on with your life. You'll be happier in the long run.

But sometimes it is cheaper to keep her....

 

[PicassoDan]

The light from a TV looks pretty much identical to the light from a reef tank. Not sure I understand the issue. Does she hate when the TV is on because of the light?

I also agree that a well made canopy looks better. I blame LED lighting for the canopyless/rimless trend.

 

[tonydig11]

FOWLR tank.

 

[bdare]

With all seriousness... My wife has been very anti tank lately. She said they are tacky and that no grown, married men actually keep them. She thinks they are for college kids. She said we could have one if it was built in. So... I got quotes for large built in aquariums. Then I did a side by side comparison of the costs of a built in and talked about resale value of our home with a built in. Finally got her to agree to a free standing tank. Next I compromised by letting her pick the hardware and paint color of the tank.

I now have a lovely 220 gallon aquarium that we both "like".

 

[mattdg]

Steady blue light through a house / apartment window is how I find other reef keepers. Maybe she's afraid you'll make friends?

All kidding aside, I can see how blue windows may not be for everyone, even if the members of my family think it's cool. Some marriages can be a never ending negotiation and there have been a plenty of helpful tips mentioned already.

Either way, I'd rather live with a neat freak, than a total slob.

 

[Bruce Burnett]

Steady blue light through a house / apartment window is how I find other reef keepers. Maybe she's afraid you'll make friends?

All kidding aside, I can see how blue windows may not be for everyone, even if the members of my family think it's cool. Marriage is never ending compromise and there have been a plenty of helpful tips mentioned already.

Either way, I'd rather live with a neat freak, than a total slob.

I agree rather a neat freak with OCD than a slob

 

[Codiak]

lol!!! GROW A SET.

 

[Bruce Burnett]

I see all these replies like grow a pair, get divorced, so on, how many of these people have had long lasting marriages. I can always get my way but there has to be respect both ways. The art of negotiation always works but I still want a happy wife. Been with the same woman going on 33 years.

 

[Quietman]

Anyone know what the OP ended up doing? Is the OP even following? Wouldn't blame him if he stopped following - I doubt he came here to get the advice to dump any women who dared had issues with his tank. LOL.

 

[Rcpilot]

I told my wife I was thinking about jumping back into the hobby after taking a break for about 8yrs. Last time I had a tank was with a different wife. She didn't balk for a second. She wanted to see pics of fish and corals. She totally loves LPS corals and palys.

We're both project managers so we sat down and did a quick, but conservative budget. (meaning we over estimated the cost)

Money wasn't an issue so the tank got a green light and we bought a used 90g setup. Brought it home and set it in the LIVING ROOM. Didn't even have water in it yet when she looked at the tank and said, "Seems a bit small. Why don't you try to sell that and get a bigger one?"

I went and bought a 180g RR the next week.

I feel sorry for the OP and people with similarly disposed spouses. No offense. It's just sad. That's your life partner and you're sharing a house together, but it's ALLLLLLL about what she wants.

I'd be gone so fast... she wouldn't see nuthin but a vapor trail.

 

[Quietman]

"To death, or annoying blue light, do us part"

 

[Bpb]

The nonchalant attitude toward divorce in this thread is depressing. I hope you people don’t have kids, and If you do, I feel sorry for your children.

 

[Codiak]

I see all these replies like grow a pair, get divorced, so on, how many of these people have had long lasting marriages. I can always get my way but there has to be respect both ways. The art of negotiation always works but I still want a happy wife. Been with the same woman going on 33 years.

Only 32 years here. And I'm holding fast with "grow a set".

 

[Bpb]

Anyone know what the OP ended up doing? Is the OP even following? Wouldn't blame him if he stopped following - I doubt he came here to get the advice to dump any women who dared had issues with his tank. LOL.

Op last replied on page 2. Basically said what he should say on the matter “thanks for the advice. But I wasn’t trying to have a me vs her conversation”

 

[Quietman]

Op last replied on page 2. Basically said what he should say on the matter “thanks for the advice. But I wasn’t trying to have a me vs her conversation”

Lots of wise people on this forum!