My heart hurts so bad. Need support.

[Vin's Reef]

Oh my god. This was the most relatable message I’ve ever read! I would itch to go home every day to see my beautiful tank, now I dread going to the living room. Even worse to the quarantine room.

I miss him so much

 

[Thatguy96]

It happens to the best of us brotha. Take a deep breath and understand that you witnessed and went through something that’s tough for all of us. Give you’re self some time and come back stronger.

 

[ZipAdeeZoa]

Thank you guys so much! I’ll be honest, as a 20 year old man, I feel like I’m almost on the verge of breaking down and crying like a kid.

I really really appreciate all the responses so far. I do feel a bit better. I gave the first dose of copper. Any more stories are welcome.

As a 21 year old man I can confirm that you can still cry at this age and any other. Honestly if you let yourself cry for a while you'll feel so much better afterwards. Its really a form of venting, instead of anger you release some of your sadness and although you'll feel really vulnerable while crying, you will feel a great deal of relief after. The world seems to think of crying as weakness but I have found that feeling your way through your emotions can be one of our greatest sources of strength.

I've been pushed to the brink several times before and honestly the pain, sorrow and grief doesn't get any better in my experience, however thats only one part of it. You'll find it may always hurt the same when you get knocked down but it does get easier to get back up. the first time will be the worst as you blindly stumble over your emotions but there is a pattern to where those obstacles are and with every tragedy your ability to navigate through it all gets better. The rest is a long read, if advice is what you seek then I'd stop here and skip to the very bottom. If hearing the stories of how others persevered helps you then I hope the following does exactly that.

2016 was rock bottom for me (mind you I'm 21 so... rock bottom so far). I won't bore you with details but through every terrible thing that ever happened to me for as long as I can remember I had one thing that I could always run to, hug and cry into and would always put a smile on my face when nothing else could. That was my family dog, Java the german shepherd. I was at a cottage my family goes to every summer and its where my best memories with all of our family dogs took place. Java was 13 and thats up there for a shepherd and the last few years we left her with my dad when we went to the cottage as she just didn't have the energy keep up with us like she used to. I got the call from my dad and everything changed. All the memories I cherished of Java the day before just haunted me. I barely left bed for three days and I was either crying or asleep, there was nothing in between. All the biggest struggles of my life felt like water off a ducks back. The scariest thing about it was that this was the first painful thing I ever had to go through without her. Nothing had gone wrong in my life until I was 6 years old and that was the year we got her. (I"m sorry if the timeline doesn't line up perfectly but I verified that with my family afterwards, I have a really hard time with dates). I really thought that was the lowest I could be but they say these things happen in threes.

I love catfish. The evolutionary extremes they have achieved, the diversity (if you were to count all known fish one earth one in every four has to be a catfish!) and most importantly how much they remind me of sharks. I had been keeping various common and oddball South American catfish for years and had been looking for one species for nearly two years before I found and purchased a group of six and of all my aquarium endeavours nothing had/has ever come close to making me as happy as those fish did. Their antics and prehistoric look had me staring into my 55 gallon for hours at a time and they even spawned! I was un able to raise the fry but I wasn't even upset about that. Seeing such fascinating behaviour (lip brooding) inspired me to dive deeper into the world of catfish than ever before. After Java passed I found comfort in studying and photographing them, a welcome distraction from her passing. I was staying at my dad's house while my mom was away and he dropped me off at my mom's so I could do my water changes and he'd pick me up in a few hours to go back to his place. My father, also struck by grief from the loss of Java had been getting more irritable and thats a bad sign for someone who's Bipolar. I was running late with my water change and my dad Really doesn't like to be kept waiting so I rushed through the last steps and went plugged everything back in before going flying down the stair case and getting into the car in record time. Everything except the heater... My mom came back a few days after and when I went to my room the 3-4 pieces of my broken heart shattered into hundreds. I plugged the heater back in but the damage was done, I watched my 6 all time favourite fish waste away and had lost them all by the end of the week. haunted by the empty tank at the foot of my bed My mom thought it would be best if I went back to my dads house so I didn't have stare at the shell of what was my favourite fish tank.

2-3 years before either of the above happened I met someone at the school I had been attending and saw much of the pain I had grown up within her and decided to become her friend. Over the course of 2 years I did exactly that and we became best friends. This girl was stronger than anyone I had ever met and had been through more than I thought possible for any one person to be subjected to. As we bonded and grew we started to help each other through the challenges of our lives and we were nearly inseparable. For thee first time both of us had truly let some one into our lives and it was incredible. However not all of us are ready to embrace the changes we need to make to recover from our past. Caught up in the euphoria of such a friendship I didn't realize how close we had gotten to one another, or the damage that someone could do with such a bond. The pain she endured before we met, the stress of academia and the toll of loving her boyfriend far more than he loved her started to simmer and a rage grew within her. I was the only person she felt safe enough with to talk to, unfortunately that meant that all her anger would be directed at me and those years of joy and laughter would become the tool used to lash what little of my heart remained out of my chest. So now fast forward to that night I went to my dads. I needed my friend so badly and talking to her was still something that could put a smile on my face so I sent her a text. We've all been thrown under the bus before but I was thrown under a 18 wheeler convoy comprised of every bit of hurt she had felt in her life.

I was shaking and realized I was losing control of my body and going to a very a dark place. I realized how dangerous the thoughts brewing in my head were and how far beyond my breaking point I was. My family has a history of depression and suicide attempts. It took every last bit of strength I had but I found it in myself to grab my trusty pocket knife, take it upstairs and handed it over to my dad. I told him "I'm not okay, and I can't have this until I am" He nodded as I handed it to him and returned the basement. I went into shock and eventually passed out of exhaustion. I really thought that was it, the point of no return.

Its taken some time but things have gotten better. Slowly but surely one incredible thing at a time I found things that made me happy and from that happiness I've been able to find strength and got my life back on track. I got a girlfriend and moved in with her, I got a new animal companion to share the next chapter of my life with and although we're not what we used to be I've remained in touch and friends with the girl from my school.

we're different people so I'm not sure if this will help you as much as it helped me but what really helped me through all of the above and whatever cosmic wrench the future will throw into my life- Its doesn't matter what knocks you down, all that matters is how you get back up. We're all here for you

 

[KrisC]

I am so sorry for your loss. Last year I lost all my fish after 9 years. I loved them and mourned for them. I then bought a new tank hoping that I could start over. I still am not finished getting it up and running. I guess I am still a little depressed about the loss and afraid to get more fish. I did try buying a couple of damsels and lost them to unknown causes. I am still determined to get the new tank going though as I really love having a reef tank. I know that things can be difficult but when you really love something you can get through and things will get better.

 

[MombasaLionfish]

Hey guys, not so happy tonight. I have marine velvet, so I set up a 40 gal bin as a treatment tank. My tank is 300 gallons, and my initial plan was to drain the water to the bottom and scoop them up.

Well things haven’t gone as planned because some fish when under the rocks and wouldn’t come out. I had to completely destroy my amazing rock scape and damage a few corals. I didn’t set up the rocks, I had a guy do it and I’m sure he can do it again if I asked. It just hurt me so bad.

Midway through I was thinking (why am I doing this, I should just leave them to fight it on their own. At the end, I couldn’t find my medium sized powder brown fish. I lifted every last rock and found a skeleton of its corps with some of its flesh remaining. The velvet killed it that day and my CUC took care of it. That gave me encouragement.

Anyway, after getting every last fish out, I dump the rocks back in. It’s so ugly right now and I lost another fish from stress.

My floor is soaked with saltwater, and I feel very heavy in my heart right now. I put so much work, time, money, and energy in this system. We just renewed every single thing a month ago and it couldn’t of looked better...now it can’t look worse. My corals are I don’t know where and I’m just not feeling well.

I know this isn’t a therapy forum, but I kinda need some words of encouragement. I really did something I didn’t want to do, and it was (and is) very hard for me to do this big move.

Thank you for listening.

I had marine velvet and was left with only two fish